By Jim Duncan, MA

If you live with depression, anxiety, or both, perhaps you know that some of your feelings stem from things that other people did to hurt you in the past. Maybe you can pinpoint abusive parents, bullies, or demanding teachers whose behaviors crushed your soul and terrorized you.

Or, perhaps you can’t identify specific people and events as a cause of your emotional struggles. Nevertheless, you may have suffered unkind words from loved ones who don’t understand why you’re afraid to fly or leave the house, or why you cry frequently, or why you just can’t get over it.

Everyone has been hurt. And for many of us, those hurts can lead to depression and anxiety. Often, forgiveness and reconciliation are crucial elements to healing our mental health. Even though forgiveness may sound impossible, it doesn’t have to be.

1. Know Why It Matters

Forgiveness isn’t easy. When we’re hurt, our instinct is to hurt back. We think that we’re protecting ourselves from further harm by not forgiving those who’ve injured us, no matter in what way.

The truth, though, is that by learning to forgive, we are giving ourselves a gift.

The benefits of forgiveness are tremendous. Benefits include emotional, social, and physical well-being. Those who can forgive experience less anxiety and stress. Marriages and friendships often improve. Depression scores fall. Well-being increases.

There’s a distinction to be made between forgiveness and reconciliation. 

Forgiving someone does not mean you saying what happened was okay. Forgiveness is something you can do whether the other person is involved or not. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation with the person who hurt you. 

Reconciliation, on the other hand, involves both of you. You can forgive someone without being reconciled, and sometimes this is necessary. But when relationships can be healed, or reconciled, the benefits of forgiveness expand even more, and trust and can be rebuilt.

2. We Can’t Move Forward Without Letting Go

Sadly, by clinging tightly to past hurts, we allow those who hurt us to continue to have power over us. Their poison remains in our system, so to speak, even though we have the power to spit it out. We’re not hurting them when we hold on to grudges—we’re hurting ourselves. When we grab hold of emotional pain so tightly, our lives cannot be open to something bigger. We’ve trapped ourselves and can’t move forward.

Understanding this can be a powerful motivation to work toward forgiveness. Yes, your pain may be excruciating. People may have done things to you that should never be done. You don’t have to ignore or blow off what they have done to you. It’s important to acknowledge and process our feelings.

Ideally, this process will lead you to forgiveness, and possibly even reconciliation.

3. Trust That It’s Possible

If you can’t even imagine forgiving those who’ve hurt you, don’t give up. Forgiveness researchers have worked with—and helped—individuals and communities who have done terrible things to each other. The power of forgiveness is well-documented. Its importance has been known for many, many years.

Take the Next Step

For those who struggle with depression and anxiety, moving forward on their own can be difficult. It may be a challenge to find energy, motivation, or courage to face what has happened to you in the past. In these situations, working with a professional therapist offers a clear way forward. A qualified and understanding therapist can guide you through the hardships of the past as you walk toward the freedom of forgiveness. 

Jim Duncan, MA, LPC Associate, works with couples and individuals at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin. Jim assists his clients who are looking to reconcile past hurts and move forward with forgiveness in their relationships. If you are struggling or need support, contact Jim by calling (512) 270-4883, ext. 117, or request an appointment online through the RCC Austin Scheduling page. We can help.