How well do you draw healthy boundaries with family, especially around the holidays?

Tradition and the marketing blitz from Halloween through the first of January are very clear: gathering, giving, and goodwill are the reasons for the season… whether you like it or not!

And so we work hard at it. Often the effort is fun and full of the warmth and connection we imagine. And other times? Well, many of our holiday hopes are undermined by the strain of accommodation, obligation, production, and unreasonably high expectations.

The truth is the holidays are often an exercise in excess at the end of a long year. We do too much, eat too much, drink too much, and simultaneously pile on the pressure to make perfect memories to boot. Unfortunately, the demands of the season can wreak havoc on self-care and compromise healthy relationship interaction.

So, how can you preserve the fun and family connection that inspires your family to gather in the first place? Are there ways to have an authentic, enjoyable experience that honors your relationships as they are?

Yes! The key is to focus less on holiday magic and more on setting healthy boundaries with family this season.

Of course, this is easier said than done when you have a long to-do list, a head full of traditions, and a house full of family to contend with. 

To help you honor your own needs and help protect your relationships far beyond the holidays, you might start with the following limits to make the season much less taxing:

1. Slow Down and Mindfully Tap Into Your Joy

There is no better time to pay attention. In fact, the music and traditions of the season urge us to settle in and connect with loved ones. Yet, to be comfortable doing so, you need to observe what’s happening inside yourself. Otherwise, resentment can replace the revelry quickly.

To put fair, functioning boundaries in place you need to know what you need. This isn’t selfish. The holidays can drain you and wear down your reserves of goodwill and good intentions if you don’t make a point of setting aside time to check in with yourself and prioritize what matters. Give yourself the gift of daily quiet time to rest and reflect. 

2. Make Decisions Before Making Contact

Clarity and calm are much easier to claim before the feasting and quest for family fun begin. Simply use that truth to help you make decisions regarding holidays and basic rules of engagement.

• Do you want to stay home more?

• Would you rather not host events this year?

• Do you feel it is important to meditate, pray, or journal?

• Are you wanting to ditch the traditions and do something completely different?

Be clear about that going into the season and make your plans clear to your family before you gather. This will head off discord, allow for your family to make other plans if necessary, and honor your ideas for a fulfilling season.

3. Stick to What You Want   

Resentment often results when we don’t address crossed boundaries. Prioritizing yourself, your home, and your mental and emotional health may mean confronting a family member lovingly and firmly. 

No smoking in the house, political talk away from the dinner table, fewer outings with the in-laws…if breaching these boundaries creates resentment, you need to talk to the appropriate family members. You can do this respectfully and decisively. Then, simply allow them their feelings about it. You needn’t assume the conversation will be negative. In fact, you can negotiate other solutions, such as smoking in the far corner of the backyard, plan a political discussion after the holidays, or one special dedicated night out with the in-laws before the season kicks off. 

Your boundaries are yours to hold and you have the right to expect them to be respected. It’s okay to say so. This is not an effort to control others but to exercise your right to relieve yourself and others of the crankiness, sarcasm, and put-upon feelings that can sometimes arise.

4. Consider These Ways of Setting Healthy Boundaries with Family

You don’t have to be overly confrontational or make grandstands to establish firm boundaries. You can make your point clearly and pointedly by shifting your behavior and making small changes to the holiday norm that support your stated limits. This smoothes the way and keeps interactions more pleasant. For instance, try the following:

• Make separate travel accommodations to keep time together from becoming overwhelming

• Opt-out of traditions that bring up negative feelings, memories, contact with problem people

• Balance family time with alone time or time just with your partner

• Refuse to engage in gossip, criticism, or rumors about other family members

5. Finally, Sometimes You Just Have to Start with “No”

Some holiday activities just inspire dread.  You don’t want to host the loud and messy cookie bake. For you, attending a special, holiday church service may be an exercise in obligation, not of belief. Hours of packing, travel, and insomnia in your sister’s guest room is not your idea of fun.  Your first holiday season without a loved may be too painful to indulge tradition.

It’s okay to say no. You always have a choice. 

Your best holiday begins with you. Your family will benefit in the end.

Do you still need a bit of seasonal support? You’re not alone. Be proactive and schedule a few self-care sessions to see you through the holidays by calling the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin at (512) 270-4883 or request an appointment online. Let us help you make the season as bright as possible.