Pleasing people fosters happiness and contentment; people-pleasing promotes stress.

But wait… aren’t those the same things?

Far from it. One is a healthy behavior, the other an unhealthy one. One comes from a place of abundance, the other from a place of deficiency.

It’s all about purpose. How so?

A person who wants to please people genuinely wants to help others, meet their needs, and contribute to their happiness. They typically don’t demand their own way if there’s a conflict. They also know when to stand up for their opinion.

A people-pleaser, on the other hand, is so consumed by trying to keep people happy that they lose themselves. Pleasing without boundaries, unable to say “no,” they often become doormats for others. 

People-pleasing is a dangerous snare. Not only does it keep you from getting your needs met, but it also makes you a target for attacks from intimidating, demanding, and controlling individuals.

Have you fallen into this trap? Is people-pleasing stressing you out so much that you feel you’re about to drown?

Here’s what you can do.

Tip #1: Don’t Be Anxious about Becoming “Selfish”

People who are truly selfish don’t worry about being selfish…because they just don’t care about others! The fact that you’re worried about becoming selfish is a good sign. It indicates that you don’t have those truly self-centered tendencies.

So, don’t worry! Just because you may start to respect your own needs and learn to say “no,” doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly turn into a narcissist. You’re so far on the other side of the scale (focused only on pleasing others) that even a radical improvement of your disposition won’t suddenly tip the scales to the total opposite.

Tip #2: Understand Your Problem

Unless you understand where you’re coming from, it’s impossible to plan your journey somewhere else. Looking back at your life and identifying what got you started with people-pleasing is important for moving forward, and into a different direction.

A little soul-searching is necessary for this and asking yourself some pointed questions. Such as, 

• What gave you the idea that pleasing others is more important than your own needs? 

• Do you understand the difference between goodwill and people-pleasing? 

• Why do you behave the way you do? 

• Do you fear the consequences of something, or do you revel in the feeling of being praised?

Tip #3: Stay Aware of Your Habits

Once you understand where your habit of people-pleasing comes from, you can become more aware of daily situations that trigger your behavior.

While it’s certainly a deeply ingrained habit that you won’t be able to stop overnight, don’t let that deter you from staying aware of your triggers. Just by noticing when you do it, you can already begin making a difference. It may be helpful for you to put down in writing when you recognize your people-pleasing behaviors and brainstorm what you could do differently the next time around.

Tip #4: Avoid Giving Your Power Away

The demanding and intimidating people who make you their target and stress you out don’t focus on you haphazardly. They seem to have the ability to pick you out of a crowd just by the way you stand! 

Yes, you can actually give your power away by your posture—standing hunched over, keeping your head down, or a general look of being small and frail. Paying more attention to the way you carry yourself will keep you from compromising yourself when the pressure to please others mounts. Stand tall, keep your head up, sit tall, breathe deeply—exude confidence and determination.

Tip #5: Consider Seeking Expert Support

Of course, standing up to controlling people who cause you to slip back into your people-pleasing habits time and again isn’t easy. Willpower alone doesn’t always work. Even following the tips outlined here may not make you completely successful in overcoming your ingrained behavior.

You might consider seeking the support of a professional, such as a counselor or psychotherapist to help you gain insight and learn the tools and skills to get out of the pattern of people-pleasing. An expert who can help you get to the bottom of the people-pleasing problem and encourage you to stand up for yourself,  can help you see things about your situation that, perhaps, you are unable to see on your own. 

If your tendency to people-please is causing you more stress than you can handle, please feel free to contact the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin. For help in turning your life around and enjoying your peace of mind, schedule an appointment with a counselor by calling (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment online through the RCC Austin Scheduling page.