By Sylvia Beligotti, MA

Do you feel like your in-laws play too big a role in your marriage? Does it feel like they are putting their nose in where it does not belong? Marriage should be between two people without feeling like your in-laws are interfering in your communication, connection, or plans for the future.

Your in-laws may try to be too involved on topics such as how you take care of the house, your kids, your finances, and more. While you made vows to your spouse, there are special vows to make towards your in-laws for a balanced family dynamic as well. It is important to remember that your in-laws are not just nuisances to manage; they likely just want to help. However, at the same time, you and your spouse need your marriage to be centered on the two of you.

Establishing boundaries with your in-laws can allow you to set limits and strengthen the family bond too. Try these tips for a more peaceful dynamic:

1. Treat Your In-Laws The Way You Want to Be Treated

The time may come when your own children will get married and you will be an in-law. Ask yourself how you would want your own kids to treat you once they are married. The expectations you have might be what your in-laws expect from you. Adjust your perspective and be willing to give and take. Negotiate by trying to find areas of overlap in everybody’s wants when there is conflict. 

2. Avoid Competing with Your In-Laws

The love that your spouse has for their parents and the love they have for you is very different. If it does feel like a competitive atmosphere, address that quickly. It starts by acknowledging your feelings to your spouse and your in-laws. You have a right to want to be with your own spouse while keeping your in-laws comfortably in the picture. Remain open to compromise. See if your in-laws are willing to set aside their own alone time with your spouse.

3. Set Regular Visits

Surprise visits from your in-laws can ruin romantic nights, disrupt important conversations, or create the expectation that their needs take priority over your relationship. Instead, create a regular pattern of meeting at a scheduled time. Consider brunch on Sundays or visits on holidays. Setting time for your in-laws will show that you want them in your life, and it works best when it is in a planned, considerate manner.

4. Be on the Same Page with Your Spouse

You do not want a situation where you’re at odds with your spouse and in-laws. Marriage is about being a team.  Let your spouse know that you want the two of you to be your mutual priority. Be willing to share this desired boundary with your in-laws very gently. This will show your spouse that your commitment to them and the trust between you is paramount. The goal is to prevent fighting and promote communication. If you find communication is too difficult, support from a therapist might be helpful.

5. Let Them Spend Time with Your Children

If your in-laws are safe and respectful, try not to give your in-laws the impression that you do not want them to be a part of your children’s lives. Let your in-laws step in with the kids while connecting with your spouse. You can have your in-laws spend time with your children during date nights or have them pick them up from school once a week. Allowing them time to bond together will help build special relationships that benefit all.

6. Find Common Interests

You may not like watching soap operas, playing cards, or discussing political history. Nevertheless, you can grow to like activities like these with your in-laws if it strengthens family ties. Do something with your in-laws that they enjoy to show that you are thinking of and care about them. 

 Finally, times with your in-laws can be stressful, but things will work out for the best if everyone is willing and dedicated to harmony. Boundaries are a pathway to more goodwill, not spite and control. These strategies can give you the opportunity for a happier family. If you need help reaching this goal, read more about couples therapy and contact us soon for a consultation.

Sylvia Beligotti, MA, LMFT, works with couples, individuals, and families at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin. If you are in need of guidance to set healthy boundaries with your loved ones, therapy can help. Contact RCC Austin by calling (512) 270-4883, or complete our Scheduling form on our website. We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Read more about family therapy here.