By Jack Partain, MEd

One of the worst things has happened in your marriage: your partner cheated on you.

It is common for many people to want to leave their partners after discovering an affair. On the other hand, you are not wrong if you decide to give your partner another chance. According to Divorce Magazine, 60-75% of couples actually stay together after an affair. So, once you acknowledge the tragedy of infidelity and if your partner owns up to their choices and mistakes, there is still a chance you could have a strong and fulfilling marriage. 

Of course, the basis of any marriage is trust and safety. If both you and your partner are willing to work together to communicate and build trust, there is a very good chance you can feel safe with your partner again. 

Be Open with Your Partner

You may feel that if you bottle up your emotions, you are being the bigger person. Yet, living in denial about your partner’s actions and the subsequent fallout will not erase what happened. While this does not mean that you need to punish your partner, you should still honestly express your hurt.

Do not be afraid to cry or talk about your pain with your partner. You have a right to be vulnerable and truthful, because the trust barriers between the two of you have been broken. This is also an opportunity for your partner to be open about why the affair happened. Ideally, this can help you both get the answers you need to work on your connection for the future.

Talk About Communication

When a partner cheats, it is often the case that they had a number of issues going on internally that they did not know how to manage. Perhaps they wanted more out of the marriage but had trouble communicating with you clearly. While this is not an excuse for cheating, leaving the doors open for communication is vitally important for making sure relationship needs are met for both partners.

Moving forward, let your partner know that there need to be new practices in your marriage regarding communication. Whenever there is something bothering or worrying either of you, you need to share it and work things through together. If you need support, seek a therapist’s help to determine what ineffective communication patterns exist. Commit to solving communication problems as a team.

Stay in the Present

After discovering your partner cheated on you, it is easy to dwell on it. By asking them or yourself a lot of unhelpful questions, you might be stuck in a cycle of ruminating on the past. Keep in mind that blame and resentment can upend attempts to forgive and reconcile. 

If your goal is to trust them and yourself again, you need to focus on the present and the future. Do not spend so much time wondering what could have been different. Try to accept what is and concentrate on what you can do now to make your relationship stronger. 

Strongly Consider Counseling

If you and your partner are having issues building trust, that is completely normal. It is important to consider going to couples counseling soon. A therapist is a third-party listener and compassionate observer who can give you guidance and perspective on your relationship.

If you only speak to your friends and family, their advice may be clouded by the fact that they do not want to see you hurt. This can make them tell you what you want to hear. A therapist will remain completely objective and tell you the truth. By seeking out professional help, you can take pride in knowing you are taking steps in the process of fixing your marriage. 

Building trust after an affair can be very hard to do, but that does not make it impossible. If both of you are willing to put in the effort to repair your marriage, you are already on the right track.

Jack Partain, MEd, LPC Associate, works with couples who are recovering from an affair. If you are ready to repair and regain trust with your partner, contact the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin to get started with infidelity therapy. Contact us to schedule at (512) 270-4883 or fill out the Scheduling Form on our website. We are here to help.