By Kassie Soni, MA

Good communication is the foundation of healthy and happy relationships. At times, though, some things get lost in translation. To improve your communication, recognize that each of us has a dominant love language. Becoming fluent in your partner’s love language is the ideal path toward understanding, growth, and evolution.

It’s been more than two decades since Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, hit bookstore shelves. In this groundbreaking work, Chapman outlined different ways that couples communicate their love to one another. Becoming fluent in these languages can improve your connection with your partner in ways you may not realize!

The 5 Love Languages

Being loved in a language you appreciate and understand is transcendent. Giving love in a language your partner appreciates and understands is sublime. Which love language resonates with you? How about with your partner?

1. Receiving Gifts

Not to be confused with “buying affection,” authentic gift-giving is a full process. It involves planning, choosing, preparation, timing, and the actual moment of giving. Gift giving is an excellent example of actions speaking louder than words. If your spouse speaks the love language of receiving gifts, your actions will resonate and improve your communication.

2. Quality Time

In the words of poet, Mary Oliver, “To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work.” This sentiment has never felt more urgent than it does in the digital age. Quality time is a meaningful use of our most limited resource. Every minute counts. If this urgency speaks to you and/or partner, embrace this language.

3. Physical Touch

Non-sexual intimacy is an important way to connect with your partner. There is so much more to intimacy than the act of sex, such as:

• Holding hands

• Walking arm-in-arm

• Gentle touch during a conversation

• Massage

• Cuddling

• Sitting close

4. Words of Affirmation

This is a form of active communication, as in not keeping compliments to yourself. When your spouse gets dressed for work or a social outing, let them know you notice them and appreciate them. Even more so, share words of affirmation at any random time. “I appreciate you” is always timely!

5. Acts of Service

Service is to be seen through both the eye of the beholder and the lens of your partner’s perception. Pay attention to understand what your spouse values: is it offering to cook dinner tonight, volunteering to watch the kids while they during bath time, or maybe just filling up the gas tank in the car? Additionally, always make time to talk about each other’s needs and wants. As close as you are, you still can’t read each other’s minds. Talk honestly, talk often, and talk directly.

What All Languages of Love Have in Common

Honesty: This is the root of all trust. Honesty enables couples to identify issues before they escalate into confrontations. It also makes resolution much easier to find.

Directness: Trust your connection and speak your truth directly. Uncomfortable moments may ensue, but nothing like the discomfort caused by silence, withdrawal, or passive-aggressive gestures.

Compassion: Even in times of struggle, improve your communication by connecting from a place of compassion and empathy. Resist the urge to respond with a snark or petty remark. Treat your partner (and yourself) with words and actions born of love.

Humor: Both love and communication can and should be fun! As the author, Marge Piercy declares, “Shared laughter is erotic.”

Patience: Conflict is inevitable thus, patience is a key ingredient. A relationship is a process that requires steady work.

Hire a Translator?

There seem to be countless societal factors that skew our communication toward dysfunction. No one is immune to this influence. There is no shame reaching out for professional assistance when needed to help you and your partner need help communicating.

When we learn any new language, we seek instruction and guidance. When it comes to love languages, you might need the assistance of a couples counselor to help you and your partner understand each other better and recognize your love languages.

Through the process of therapy, you can identify communication obstacles and discover the deeper love that lives inside you. 

Kassie Soni, MA, LPC Associate at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin, works with couples who are looking to deepen their understanding of one another. To schedule an appointment, give us a call at (512) 270-4883 or request an appointment through the RCC Austin Scheduling page. We hope to hear from you.