Think about the way you respond to conflict and problems in your relationship with your spouse or partner.

What’s going on when things get tense or conflicts arise?

That flooded feeling that sucks you down into your feelings, overwhelms your thoughts and carries you away from reason and logic isn’t unusual. It takes skill to work through what’s happening in your body and mind before you behave in a way that may be damaging to your relationship. 

One skill you can learn will make a big difference: self-soothing.

Why? Self-soothing helps head off all sorts of relationship trouble. When you can soothe your reactive behavior, you are more likely to be able to control emotional outbursts, disrespect toward your partner, and stonewalling behaviors in your relationship. You are much less likely to get mired in negativity, self-righteousness, and victim-thinking and blaming if those thoughts are quickly headed off.  Furthermore, self-soothing keeps your emotional pain from derailing the closeness between you and your partner, and keeps you focused on improving your connection.

Try using focused, calming techniques of the mind and body, like the following ideas:

5 Ways to Self-Soothe When You Have Conflict in Your Relationship

1. Use Your Time-Out Signal

Before conflict arises again, discuss a neutral signal that you and your partner agree to use during tough conversations. When you feel flooded with emotion, something simple like a word, phrase, or a physical motion will suffice. Consider diffusing the tension between you with a humorous signal if you feel it’s appropriate.

2. Break Physical Contact

Cooling down is often an important part of self-soothing in a relationship. If a brief time-out isn’t enough, it’s okay to step back and break away for 20 to 30 minutes to regain composure and check-in with yourself alone. Keep in mind that you are doing this to help communication, not sever it indefinitely.  Taking a break does not mean walking away and throwing up your hands. Let your partner know that you need a little while to get some space, restore calm, and prepare to converse more meaningfully. Spend the break time intentionally and purposefully calming your nervous system and your thoughts. Remember, when one partner needs a break, the other partner must honor the need for a short break in the conversation.

3. Breathe with Intention

When you feel yourself losing control or becoming overwhelmed, lower your voice or stop talking and slow things down internally. To reduce your heart rate, try to consciously relax and focus on your breath.

Concentrate on deep, even inhalation and exhalation. Soon a calm, balanced feeling should improve your capacity to engage productively with less reaction and defensiveness.

4. Imagine a Calm, Safe Place

What is your “happy place?” Is there an experience you have had, or a place you have been, that reminds you of feeling peaceful and calm? Use your imagination to envision yourself in this place and allow yourself to feel the cocoon of safety it offers.  Meditate on your sanctuary to ease the stress of difficult interactions and give you an emotional respite before reengaging. Remember to breathe deeply and slowly while imagining this peaceful place.

5. Tense and Relax Tight or Uncomfortable Muscles

Concentrate on specific muscle groups, taking time to feel the weight flowing out of your limbs as you tighten and release. This takes some practice but is effective combined with a brief time away from the tense interaction. It can help to lay on the floor or a bed in a quiet space.

Reach Out for Help if Self-Soothing Proves Challenging

It’s important to note that self-soothing is an act of self-compassion, not something you use to escape and avoid difficult conversations. Self-soothing does not involve substance abuse or disordered eating. The purpose is to help you control your behavior productively, even during highly emotional moments.

You may discover that the patterns of interaction in your relationship are too tense to support self-soothing without professional help. Do you find that there are too many unresolved issues in your relationship? Are you sensing that you don’t have key communication skills to make problem-solving possible? Is resentment or defensiveness getting in your way?

If so, you and your partner may benefit from the help of a counselor who specializes in working with couples. Most couples do need a little help now and then to get through the rough spots. Don’t hesitate to reach out for assistance when you feel you need some guidance in learning how to communicate more effectively and clearly, without causing damage to the important relationship with your spouse or partner. 

A trained therapist can work with you individually or with your partner to learn techniques for management when conflict arises. Contact the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin to meet with a counselor and learn more about how you can self-soothe when things get heated. Call (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment through the RCC Austin Scheduling page. We hope to hear from you.