There is no shortage of posts and articles about relationships. Many of them talk about “fixing” and “repairing” and “saving.” This is a good thing...but it’s not the only thing.
We live in a society that features a divorce rate that’s hovered around 50 percent for decades. And that’s only for first marriages. Simply put, most relationships end. Some of them could’ve been fixed, repaired, or saved. Other unions eventually run their course.
Bearing all this in mind, how can you know when your relationship is over? One big clue is when your partner says they are ready to walk away.
Statistically Speaking
As mentioned, almost half of all U.S. first marriages end in divorce. The rate for second marriages is 60 percent. 73 percent of all third marriages end in divorce. Then you have all those couples who have been together, usually living together, for many years. Their separation rate is believed to be higher because:
It’s usually less expensive for unmarried couples to get divorced
There is less of a stigma
Making it “official,” anecdotally speaking, seems to make it more likely couples will stick with it
The point here is not to be negative. Rather, it’s about being realistic. Relationships are difficult. They often end in some kind of separation.
This can serve as a powerful form of motivation to communicate and do the work…and to not take your connection for granted. It may also help you feel better prepared if a crisis emerges.
What to Do When One Partner Is Ready to Walk Away
We’ve laid some pretty blunt groundwork for this discussion. But, even so, it will be painful and challenging to be told that your partner wants out. Here are a few suggestions for such a tough scenario:
Take Steps to Avoid an Emotional Reaction
Your knee-jerk reaction to this news may involve any or all of the following:
Accusing your partner of cheating
Blaming them for causing the problems in the first place
Shutting down emotionally
Launching into personal attacks, insults, etc.
Breaking news: It’s okay to have these thoughts when getting such jolting news. It’s not okay to act out and express whatever comes to mind. Step away. Take some time and space. Take as much time and space as you need to collect your thoughts AND inform your partner of this need.
Don’t Resort to Begging or Manipulation
Again, it’s not unusual to reach for whatever appears available. Don’t blame yourself for harboring these ideas. Yet again, distance and detach. Process the facts and your emotions. Do not have a life-changing conversation until you feel stable enough to handle it.
Ask Questions. Expect Answers.
Get your partner to elaborate as much as possible. You have every right to ask as many questions as you wish. In addition, it’s logical that you’d expect—if not demand—thoughtful answers.
Seek Support
Lean on friends and other loved ones. Practice self-care. Do not punish yourself or slide into self-harming behavior. Ask for help if you feel out of control. Ask your partner to join you in couples’ counseling.
The Essential Value of Couples Counseling
About 30 percent of couples seeking therapy have one partner who wants to leave. You are not alone. Your counselor is familiar with this dynamic. Working together with an unbiased guide will set the two of you up for a healthy resolution—whether you stay together or not.
It can be disconcerting to consider divorce or separation. You don’t have to handle it on your own. Reach out, set up a free consultation, and get the help you need.
Daniel Hope, MA, LMFT Associate, works with couples and individuals at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin. If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, therapy can help. Schedule with Daniel by calling (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment on the RCC Austin Scheduling page. We’re here to help.