It’s an interesting but frustrating relationship paradox:

There are times when your marriage is sailing along. You’re in sync with your partner and all seems right in the world. At this point, you rarely stop to analyze your relationship. Why rock the boat, right?

However, at the first hint of discord, out comes the relationship magnifying glass. Everything is on the table and no issue is too small to dissect. Repeatedly.

Of course, it is essential to nip problems in the bud. But it can be just as important to apply an introspective lens when your marriage is at the top of its game.

So What Exactly is Working When Marriage Works?

1. Communication

The foundation. Ruptures and conflicts are inevitable. Being able to fall back on healthy communication habits is the antidote. This does not happen by accident. Plan regular discussions and meetings. Pledge together to do the work needed to experience the joy of honest, face-to-face communication.

2. Intimacy

Yes, this means your sex life, but not just your sex life. Couples express and experience intimacy in an infinite number of ways — many of which are unique to each relationship. Appreciate each of these expressions. Talk about them. Remain creative and spontaneous enough to keep discovering new forms of intimacy.

3. Joy and Fun

Think back to the first year of your relationship - how does it look differently today? It’s easy for joy to get lost in the midst of responsibilities, stress, and routines. Yet, shared laughter, playfulness, and fun are powerful forces that keep relationships alive and connected. Make it a priority to create moments of lightness together — whether through shared hobbies, spontaneous adventures, or simply being silly in everyday life. Couples who deliberately seek out joy not only strengthen their bond but also build a reservoir of positive memories that carry them through more difficult times. Play is powerful.

4. Conflict Resolution

As touched on above, it is normal to argue or disagree. Healthy couples don’t automatically see that as threatening. Instead, they work together to develop flexible conflict resolution skills. This dovetails nicely with your healthy communication skills to serve as a defensive wall against emotional flare-ups and misunderstandings.

5. Autonomy

The health of your marriage is vital, but so are your other connections. A marriage that’s working is one that strikes a balance between all aspects of your individual social lives. Support and celebrate each other’s need for friends, family, and outside interests.

6. Transparency and Trust

In the digital age, it is easier than ever to develop suspicion. This can be counteracted by a commitment to openness and transparency. This is how your trust is forged and sustained. Do not let doubts or worries fester. A hallmark of trust is how it facilitates even the toughest of conversations. It’s awesome to have independent lives. It’s dangerous to have secret lives. Talk about the difference.

The Role of Mindfulness

As wonderful as the above attributes are, they can be taken for granted. This is where mindfulness plays a crucial role. Work together — and individually — to cultivate a lifestyle in which the present moment is paramount. The less you focus on the past and future (and your phones), the more aware you are of what’s working. The more aware you are of what’s working, the harder you’ll work to maintain it.

It can happen through meditation, breathing exercises, or other sources, but bringing mindfulness into your marriage is a move you will not regret. When things are going well with you and your spouse, why not maximize your awareness and appreciation of that trend? Pro tip: When a marriage is working, it inspires and exudes a whole lot of gratitude.

The Role of Couples Counseling

Let’s bring things back to the opening paradox: a couple often won’t seek help until they sense a crisis is at hand. Yet, in reality, couples counseling is an ideal setting for assessing a relationship at any point.

Remember too, just because all seems right doesn’t mean you can’t learn more. In the presence of a skilled, unbiased guide, you and your partner can explore all aspects of your bond. Please take some time to read more about couples counseling and set up a session with a trained therapist. Let’s get started on a paradox-busting approach to the most important relationship in your life.

If you and your partner are ready to gain a deeper understanding of each other and work toward a happy and fulfilling future together, we encourage you to reach out to our office today. Schedule a session with Alex Cavasini, MA, LPC Associate at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin by calling (512) 270-4883, or completing our online Scheduling Form. We look forward to hearing from you.

To learn more, click here: Marriage Counseling.