Pillow Talk: After Sex Conversations to Have to Feel Bonded

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By Jill Baumgarner, MA

“Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams…”

Hara Estroff Marano, author & Editor at Large of Psychology Today

Talking after sex matters. Science and societal wisdom agree that the post-sex period of heightened emotion and willing vulnerability is a precious time that builds intimacy and deepens your ability to connect well … in and out of bed.

How can you capitalize on the psychological and physiological need for attachment? What exactly do you talk about to continue to feel bonded?

Consider the following post-coital conversations as a pillow talk guide to get you started:

Pillow Talk Praise: Admire Your Partner’s Sexual Prowess

How can your lover resist you when you acknowledge their efforts to please you?

As long as the conversation is positive and comfortable, detail how lovely a time you had. Encourage your partner to keep doing that thing with their tongue. Remark that you appreciate how attentive/ energetic/ creative they were.

Ask what you can do to increase their satisfaction too. Keep things light and playful. Prepare for more physical fun now that you’re a little clearer on what each other likes.

Express How being Together Makes You Feel

Who doesn’t feel good about being valued?

Make the most of the floaty post-sex high to talk each other up. Say the loving, complimentary things you used to say at the very start of your love story. Compliment the angles of his face or the curves of her body.

Remind each other that you know each other and like what you know. Honor the roles in you play in each other’s lives. Verbalize how much fun it’s been to work alongside each other as friends and parents. Celebrate the relationship you’re building with specifics, memories, and stories until you drift off. You’ll wake with a lovely sense of togetherness.

Share More of Yourself Between the Sheets

What better time to share more of yourself?

The moments following sex are often a safe, quiet time in which to go deeper into a conversation that you might forgo amid your daily responsibilities. If you find you’re awake and snuggled in, why not take some time to talk about what you usually just daydream about.

When is the last time you dreamed out loud together? Check in on ideas or plans that have changed or evolved in your minds. Invite your partner into the dreams or goals that preoccupy your thoughts.

Open Up about Your Vision for Your Relationship

What’s more reassuring than knowing for sure how your partner sees your future together?

Sex can be deeply intimate and signal a willingness to take your relationship further. Thus, sex and discussions about the future in bed can create close emotional ties that last long after the glow of the physical act fades.

If you have a strong indication that you both want to build a long term relationship, lay back, hold each other, and talk it through. You are both deliciously vulnerable and in a position to capitalize on the sense of trust and mutual satisfaction created physically not long before.

Not Comfortable with Pillow Talk?

Are you struggling with the idea of cozy conversations after sex with your partner? Is there something inside you, or between you, that holds you back?

It may be worth exploring your reluctance and discomfort with a trained couples counselor. Recent research shows that your after-sex moments are key periods for building a solid connection. Don’t lose that special opportunity for deep, emotional connection with your partner.



Jill Baumgarner, MA, LPC Intern, works with couples at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin. Jill focuses on sexual health in her clients’ relationships by opening up the lines of communication to achieve enhanced intimacy. For guidance on harnessing the spark in your relationship, contact Jill at (512) 270-4883, ext. 108, or request an appointment with her online through the RCC Austin Scheduling page.