By Jack Partain, MEd

No one enters a marriage anticipating its demise. Unfortunately, many marriages do fall apart over time, ultimately ending in divorce.

How can two committed people fall out of love? What changes over the years to make a marriage fail? While every couple is unique, there are common reasons why marriages fall apart. From communication to finances to intimacy, relationships are delicate, and things do go wrong along the way. So, what’s not working when a marriage begins to unravel? Let’s take a look at five key factors:

1. You’re Not On the Same Page

When someone marries, they typically do so knowing that they share similar values, morals, and goals. Sometimes, however, people find that they aren’t on the same page with their partner. Perhaps you want a big family, but they don’t want kids at all. Maybe you both thought that the issue would resolve naturally, but it doesn’t. Instead, you find that you both have drastically different goals in life, putting a strain on your marriage.

While some couples can find a compromise, it isn’t always easy for big life decisions. When it comes to marriage, it’s crucial to be on the same page with your partner when it comes to big things like children, careers, and life goals or at the very least to have an open attitude to discussing these together.

2. The Intimacy Is Lost

Couples naturally go through phases of decreased intimacy. When you first enter a relationship, it tends to be hot and heavy, fizzling out comfortably over time. However, when intimacy is completely gone from a relationship, it can cause problems. When you marry someone, you’re committing to being intimate with that one person for the rest of your life. Understandably, when a relationship lacks intimacy, one or both parties may become restless or even resentful. While sex is a big part of intimacy in a relationship, it’s not the only component. If cuddling, kissing, hand-holding, or sweet gestures have fizzled out of your relationship, it could contribute to its ultimate demise.

3. Partners Lose Their Individuality

Being part of a couple is an empowering and wonderful thing. However, it’s equally as empowering to find comfort in yourself as an individual. All too often, couples get so comfortable with each other that it turns into co-dependence. Even after decades of marriage, you should still have a sense of independence and feel comfortable alone. Marriages are about two people coming together, building and experiencing a life but it doesn’t mean you should give up your individuality, nor should your partner.

4. Financial Issues

Money is a big part of nearly all lives. Many people struggle with not having enough money, and this can put a strain on a marriage. No couple wants money to destroy their marriage. Unfortunately, finances and the meaning of money often do play a factor. Sometimes couples aren’t truthful about their spending habits. Other times, one partner loses their job, and it puts a strain on the family. Often, finances are so tight that it puts too much stress on a couple, leaving them frustrated with one another. Whatever the case, finances are a big part of any relationship, and it can lead to marriage problems.

5. You Can’t Handle Conflict

Every couple fights — it’s normal and as a matter of fact necessary. It fosters growth and can lead to greater intimacy. However, many couples fall into a rabbit hole of unresolved or unaddressed conflict, making it nearly impossible to get out. The more conflict piles up, the more couples begin to resent one another. You may feel like your partner doesn’t listen to what you say. Your partner may feel like you overreact. You both go to bed angry, and over time, unresolved or unaddressed conflict becomes the biggest culprit in your failing marriage.

Solving Marital Issues with Couples Counseling

When you spend years with the same person, there’s going to be conflict. However, you don’t need to let these issues be the death of your relationship. If you and your partner have been going through a hard time, consider couples counseling to help you work through it. It’s not easy to watch your marriage slowly fail, but it doesn’t have to be that way. If you and your partner are willing to put in the work, you can bounce back from the brink of divorce and get back to a happy and healthy marriage.

Jack Partain, MEd, LPC Associate, works with couples who might be struggling at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin. If you and your partner are in need of guidance to move forward with your relationship, therapy can help. Call (512) 270-4883 to schedule your appointment, or request a session on our RCC Austin Scheduling Page. We’re here to help.