The Effect of a Break Up: What Happens in Your Brain?

By Jack Partain, MEd

When love fades, the romantic relationship high you once rode, declines steeply. As your break up progresses, the emotional impact is obvious. Yet, the effect of a break up on your brain may not be something you’ve given a whole lot of thought. 

To ease the pain, you may want to consider what’s happening in your brain. There are natural neurological responses that you can expect and be aware of. Once you know what is happening, you might actually feel a little less lost, hurt, and alone.

In recent years, there has been scientific research conducted regarding the brain’s response to heartbreak. Fortunately, despite how it feels, your brain is not short-circuiting. It takes time to adjust to the loss, but eventually, it shifts into recovery mode. Here’s how:

First, your brain processes a painful break up the same way an addict processes injury and withdrawal. 

Do you feel physically ill, weak, or otherwise impaired? That disorientation and literal “heartache” accompanying your break up is not imagined. Rejection and abandonment really do hurt.

Research using MRI brain scans reveal that the effect of a break up on the brain activates in the same regions as pain and withdrawal. Deprived of the “love drug” that used to flood your brain and body with bonding or reward hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, happiness seems to drain away dramatically.

Without a steady stream of lovely chemical neurotransmitters, withdrawal creates a mental break. A deep sense of anxiety, loneliness, and even depression can ensue.

Love and affection cravings are real.

Are you wrestling with intrusive, distracting thoughts about your former love? Not to worry, the effect of a break up naturally creates some amount of emotional craving. The person you loved was the object of reward and reason for motivation and many levels. It is biologically driven to want to seek out a return to that state of wellbeing. 

Essentially, your brain longs to light up again with the same intensity and purpose. It takes time and an intentional focus on processing the feelings, engaging other rewarding behavior and pursuing fulfilling relationships to recover. This is a great time to seek out the care and assistance of loved ones and a counselor for help.

Happily, your brain wants to recover.

Research revealed an interesting discovery of a post-breakup brain scan: in addition to the lighted regions that reflect reward/deprivation, the areas associated with emotional regulation and inhibition are affected. These brain areas include the orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex and the cingulate gyrus.

This seems to indicate that while craving and preoccupation with your former love take hold for a while, simultaneously, the brain strives to heal. You slowly recover with an increase in healthy thinking and decision-making in the long-run.

Can your brain help you bounce back? Yes!

As your brain continues to actively practice regulating emotions and restricting impulsivity you become mentally and emotionally more resilient. Moreover, your brain wants to help you heal from the effect of a break up. You are wired for it. The key is to give yourself time and beneficial guidance and support.

Avoid replacing those feel-good chemicals with unhealthy alternatives like drugs, alcohol,  facebook-stalking, or rebound relationships. Desperate dopamine replacement is detrimental and is no way to recover well.

Finally, consider therapy if you feel obsessed or unable to move forward. Additionally, a period of romantic sobriety may be an advantage. It can help you break the neurological bonds in your brain. If you are ready to feel better and give your brain the boost it needs to let go of your past relationship, please contact us soon. We’re here to help you focus on loving yourself and moving forward. 

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If you need support as you navigate the grief that comes with ending a relationship, therapy can help. Contact Jack Partain, MEd, LPC, at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin to get started on your healing journey today. Call (512) 270-4883 or complete the Scheduling Form and someone will be in touch with you soon. We look forward to hearing from you.

To learn more, click here: Life Transitions Therapy.

What’s Not Working When Marriages Fail? 5 Key Factors

By Jack Partain, MEd

No one enters a marriage anticipating its demise. Unfortunately, many marriages do fall apart over time, ultimately ending in divorce.

How can two committed people fall out of love? What changes over the years to make a marriage fail? While every couple is unique, there are common reasons why marriages fall apart. From communication to finances to intimacy, relationships are delicate, and things do go wrong along the way. So, what’s not working when a marriage begins to unravel? Let’s take a look at five key factors:

1. You’re Not On the Same Page

When someone marries, they typically do so knowing that they share similar values, morals, and goals. Sometimes, however, people find that they aren’t on the same page with their partner. Perhaps you want a big family, but they don’t want kids at all. Maybe you both thought that the issue would resolve naturally, but it doesn’t. Instead, you find that you both have drastically different goals in life, putting a strain on your marriage.

While some couples can find a compromise, it isn’t always easy for big life decisions. When it comes to marriage, it’s crucial to be on the same page with your partner when it comes to big things like children, careers, and life goals or at the very least to have an open attitude to discussing these together.

2. The Intimacy Is Lost

Couples naturally go through phases of decreased intimacy. When you first enter a relationship, it tends to be hot and heavy, fizzling out comfortably over time. However, when intimacy is completely gone from a relationship, it can cause problems. When you marry someone, you’re committing to being intimate with that one person for the rest of your life. Understandably, when a relationship lacks intimacy, one or both parties may become restless or even resentful. While sex is a big part of intimacy in a relationship, it’s not the only component. If cuddling, kissing, hand-holding, or sweet gestures have fizzled out of your relationship, it could contribute to its ultimate demise.

3. Partners Lose Their Individuality

Being part of a couple is an empowering and wonderful thing. However, it’s equally as empowering to find comfort in yourself as an individual. All too often, couples get so comfortable with each other that it turns into co-dependence. Even after decades of marriage, you should still have a sense of independence and feel comfortable alone. Marriages are about two people coming together, building and experiencing a life but it doesn’t mean you should give up your individuality, nor should your partner.

4. Financial Issues

Money is a big part of nearly all lives. Many people struggle with not having enough money, and this can put a strain on a marriage. No couple wants money to destroy their marriage. Unfortunately, finances and the meaning of money often do play a factor. Sometimes couples aren’t truthful about their spending habits. Other times, one partner loses their job, and it puts a strain on the family. Often, finances are so tight that it puts too much stress on a couple, leaving them frustrated with one another. Whatever the case, finances are a big part of any relationship, and it can lead to marriage problems.

5. You Can’t Handle Conflict

Every couple fights — it’s normal and as a matter of fact necessary. It fosters growth and can lead to greater intimacy. However, many couples fall into a rabbit hole of unresolved or unaddressed conflict, making it nearly impossible to get out. The more conflict piles up, the more couples begin to resent one another. You may feel like your partner doesn’t listen to what you say. Your partner may feel like you overreact. You both go to bed angry, and over time, unresolved or unaddressed conflict becomes the biggest culprit in your failing marriage.

Solving Marital Issues with Couples Counseling

When you spend years with the same person, there’s going to be conflict. However, you don’t need to let these issues be the death of your relationship. If you and your partner have been going through a hard time, consider couples counseling to help you work through it. It’s not easy to watch your marriage slowly fail, but it doesn’t have to be that way. If you and your partner are willing to put in the work, you can bounce back from the brink of divorce and get back to a happy and healthy marriage.

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Jack Partain, MEd, LPC, works with couples who might be struggling at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin. If you and your partner are in need of guidance to move forward with your relationship, therapy can help. Call (512) 270-4883 to schedule your appointment, or request a session on our RCC Austin Scheduling Page. We’re here to help.

How to Regain Trust and Feel Safe with your Partner After an Affair

By Jack Partain, MEd

One of the worst things has happened in your marriage: your partner cheated on you.

It is common for many people to want to leave their partners after discovering an affair. On the other hand, you are not wrong if you decide to give your partner another chance. According to Divorce Magazine, 60-75% of couples actually stay together after an affair. So, once you acknowledge the tragedy of infidelity and if your partner owns up to their choices and mistakes, there is still a chance you could have a strong and fulfilling marriage. 

Of course, the basis of any marriage is trust and safety. If both you and your partner are willing to work together to communicate and build trust, there is a very good chance you can feel safe with your partner again. 

Be Open with Your Partner

You may feel that if you bottle up your emotions, you are being the bigger person. Yet, living in denial about your partner’s actions and the subsequent fallout will not erase what happened. While this does not mean that you need to punish your partner, you should still honestly express your hurt.

Do not be afraid to cry or talk about your pain with your partner. You have a right to be vulnerable and truthful, because the trust barriers between the two of you have been broken. This is also an opportunity for your partner to be open about why the affair happened. Ideally, this can help you both get the answers you need to work on your connection for the future.

Talk About Communication

When a partner cheats, it is often the case that they had a number of issues going on internally that they did not know how to manage. Perhaps they wanted more out of the marriage but had trouble communicating with you clearly. While this is not an excuse for cheating, leaving the doors open for communication is vitally important for making sure relationship needs are met for both partners.

Moving forward, let your partner know that there need to be new practices in your marriage regarding communication. Whenever there is something bothering or worrying either of you, you need to share it and work things through together. If you need support, seek a therapist’s help to determine what ineffective communication patterns exist. Commit to solving communication problems as a team.

Stay in the Present

After discovering your partner cheated on you, it is easy to dwell on it. By asking them or yourself a lot of unhelpful questions, you might be stuck in a cycle of ruminating on the past. Keep in mind that blame and resentment can upend attempts to forgive and reconcile. 

If your goal is to trust them and yourself again, you need to focus on the present and the future. Do not spend so much time wondering what could have been different. Try to accept what is and concentrate on what you can do now to make your relationship stronger. 

Strongly Consider Counseling

If you and your partner are having issues building trust, that is completely normal. It is important to consider going to couples counseling soon. A therapist is a third-party listener and compassionate observer who can give you guidance and perspective on your relationship.

If you only speak to your friends and family, their advice may be clouded by the fact that they do not want to see you hurt. This can make them tell you what you want to hear. A therapist will remain completely objective and tell you the truth. By seeking out professional help, you can take pride in knowing you are taking steps in the process of fixing your marriage. 

Building trust after an affair can be very hard to do, but that does not make it impossible. If both of you are willing to put in the effort to repair your marriage, you are already on the right track.

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Jack Partain, MEd, LPC, works with couples who are recovering from an affair. If you are ready to repair and regain trust with your partner, contact the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin to get started with infidelity therapy. Contact us to schedule at (512) 270-4883 or fill out the Scheduling Form on our website. We are here to help.

RCC Austin Recommended Read: Polysecure, by Jessica Fern