In our society, sex is everywhere, yet it remains a somewhat taboo topic. We’re used to seeing sex on TV, in movies, or in advertisements, yet we can blush at the thought of discussing it with a close friend or partner. If you’re more reserved when it comes to sexuality, you might be labeled as a “prude” and told to loosen up; but if you’re open about sexuality, you’re criticized and told to be more modest.
It’s not easy defining your body and sexual values in a society that is so ambivalent about sex itself. In reality, there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to embracing your sexual values. If you don’t know where to start, consider these tips to help define and embrace yourself and your sexuality in whatever way feels most comfortable.
Don’t Be Ashamed of Your Sexuality
It’s normal and natural to have sexual desires, and it is not wrong to act on them. As you start to explore your sexual values, try to let go of shame or guilt about your sexuality. Some people feel that they need to repress their sexuality because they’re taught that it’s “wrong” or “immoral.” As long as you’re exploring your sexuality in a safe and consensual way, there is no reason to feel ashamed. The more you work towards letting go of stigmas about sex, the easier it will be to define your sexual values.
Focus On What You Want and Not What Others Want
While we should define our sexual values based on what we want, it’s not always that easy. Because of your upbringing or social circle, you may feel obligated to define your sexuality in a certain way. Though it’s hard to break free from the noise, you should try to push past others’ opinions to figure out how you feel about your sexual values.
Whether you want to enjoy casual sex or wait until marriage, you should focus on what you want and not what others push on you. Our society greatly influences how we think about sex, but you have the right to break free of these standards and write your own rules.
Follow Your Instincts
Our instincts are reliable and serve as a guide for what feels right or wrong. This gut feeling is incredibly useful, and you can also use it when you’re exploring your sexual values. How do you feel when you think about your sexual desires or fantasies? If you’ve experimented in real life, did it feel good, or did you feel anxious about it? Our intuition gives us great insight into underlying fears and anxiety we may have about sex. Trust your gut and allow it to aid in your decision-making as you establish your sexual values.
Be Willing to Learn
Even people who have firmly established their sexual values can learn a thing or two sometimes. A big part of embracing your sexual values is understanding the experiences of others. There is no single definition of sex or what it means to have sex. People have varying opinions about it — none of them necessarily being wrong. You may learn about sexual values by having meaningful conversations with people who have different opinions. Also, by learning more about the scientific aspects of sex and your body, you’ll be more informed to make decisions about your sex life and values.
As you’ve likely gathered from reading this, there is no such thing as “correct” sexual values. Keep this in mind as you move forward and explore your sexual identity. You don’t have to define yourself by others’ definitions of sexual values. Safely explore your sexuality, follow your instincts, and don’t feel ashamed about it — by doing so, you’re well on your way to defining healthy and happy sexual values.
Charla Lineman, MEd, LPC Associate, LMFT Associate, works with couples and individuals at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin. To schedule an appointment, call (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment on the RCC Austin Scheduling page. We look forward to hearing from you soon!