As parents, we want to do our best to raise healthy, emotionally balanced, and resilient people. We imagine that we’ll support them well and, in time, create a solid, loving relationship that will serve as a foundation for their future successes. That’s the goal.
But what does the road from receptive child to productive adult look like? How do you know if you are on the road to raising someone spoiled and irresponsible, overprotected and passive, … or someone who will thrive and contribute capably to their communities?
A key idea for effective parenting is to strike a balance between meeting your child’s needs and providing your child guidance. In other words, parenting is a two-fold process that relies heavily on your ability to do the following:
Nurture your child (value, accept, and meet core needs)
Structure your child’s development (guide, discipline, teach values)
Let’s explore the balance of each area a bit more.
How to Effectively Balance Nurture and Structure in Your Parenting
First, it’s important to understand why you need both nurture and structure to parent well.
When solid, consistent nurturing is in place, your children benefit in the following ways:
Kids generally feel good. Who they are is not a source of worry or shame.
Feeling wanted, loved, and worthy is not an issue. They know they are sought out and cared for.
They know they are seen and heard. Kids understand that what they think, need, and feel is important and deserves attention.
Kids operate from a place of faith and trust in their parents. Confident that their needs are met, they are less likely to be doubtful or suspicious.
Kindness and empathy come naturally. Receiving both, they willingly follow that example.
They feel positive and up to life’s challenges. Kids are supported and encouraged.
When solid, consistent structure is in place, your children benefit in the following ways:
Kids feel safer. They are secure knowing that rules and boundaries govern home, interaction, and their own natural impulsivity.
Tolerance expands. When kids learn that they may not get what they want, they learn to tolerate frustration and disappointment wisely and with self-respect.
Kids learn responsibility. Chores, requirements, and obedience reinforce the ability to accomplish tasks and meet expectations.
Resilience grows. Children become adept at dealing with their mistakes, learning from them, and bouncing back.
Self-centered thinking declines. Tendencies toward selfishness and self-serving behavior are tempered.
Decision-making becomes a life skill. They become more confident in choosing wisely for themselves and others.
Kids incorporate your structure into their own attitudes and behaviors. They are grounded by key values and appropriate life skills.
Independence increases. Kids feel more and more ready to tackle life on their own.
Next, get a clear idea of what balanced nurture and structure look like.
Balance nurture and structure considering and incorporating three parental arenas:
Bonding. Knowing what to expect and who to rely on is key to a healthy attachment between you and your child. Trust is built on the idea that your kids know you provide loving attention and firm direction. Bond on both levels to help your child perceive life with a greater sense of stability.
Boundaries. Kids respond better to instruction and discipline if parents are clear, firm, and kind. Healthy boundaries and healthy connections go hand in hand.
Behavior. More specifically, a helpful balance comes from understanding age-appropriate behavior. By parenting from a place of loving authority, you can help them know what is right and productive at their stage in life. When you are the safer, more perceptive, and forgiving one in the room, they can learn and grow fearlessly.
Then, consider the problems of leaning too heavily on either side.
If you find you lean toward either nurturing or structuring your kids exclusively, you may create an overly permissive or authoritarian environment. If the situations described below sound familiar, consider how you might work toward more balance between structure and nurture:
1. You heavily nurture and protect your children. There are few limits or little accountability on their part, leading to over-indulgence and the following emotions or behavior:
Entitled, “spoiled,” or unruly conduct
Persistent disobedience
A distinct lack of gratitude or appreciation
Self-centeredness or selfishness
An unwillingness to learn or do what’s required for themselves or others
Your attempts at kindness are taken advantage of or disregarded
2. You heavily structure and discipline your children. There are few growth opportunities and little bonding or understanding on your part, leading to fear and mistrust, as well as the following emotions or behavior:
Resentment
Feeling unloved or appreciated
Sense of abandonment
Unwillingness to incorporate your values internally
Lack of sharing and vulnerability with you
Secret rebellion
Your attempts to influence positively are lost or lessened
Finally, know yourself and know your child.
Above all, the connection between you and your child is paramount. Ask yourself: Is it healthy? Do I repair it intentionally and effectively? Am I correcting my child lovingly, respectfully, and firmly at the same time?
Your own childhood can impact how and why you parent the way you do. It’s worth the time and effort to explore your past, your feelings, and your relationships with your parents to get a clearer picture of your current parenting style.
Additionally, remain curious and interested in their tendencies and uniqueness as you care for them and support the growth of their inner resources and emotional self-control!
Reach Out for Parenting Support
All told, parenting is a process of attention, engagement, and communication. It is fluid and varies over time. Don’t be afraid to take a step back, reevaluate. Seek the help or support you need. The aim is to do what is necessary to help your child grow, think, and learn about themselves and others productively. If you need further guidance striking a balance of parental involvement and direction, please read more about family therapy and reach out for an ally in meeting your child’s needs! We’re here to help.
Contact the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin if you are struggling to find that middle ground when raising your kids. To schedule an appointment, call our main office at (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment on our online RCC Austin Scheduling page. We’re here to help.
For more on parenting, click here: Family Counseling.