6 Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries with Your In-Laws

By Sylvia Beligotti, MA

Do you feel like your in-laws play too big a role in your marriage? Does it feel like they are putting their nose in where it does not belong? Marriage should be between two people without feeling like your in-laws are interfering in your communication, connection, or plans for the future.

Your in-laws may try to be too involved on topics such as how you take care of the house, your kids, your finances, and more. While you made vows to your spouse, there are special vows to make towards your in-laws for a balanced family dynamic as well. It is important to remember that your in-laws are not just nuisances to manage; they likely just want to help. However, at the same time, you and your spouse need your marriage to be centered on the two of you.

Establishing boundaries with your in-laws can allow you to set limits and strengthen the family bond too. Try these tips for a more peaceful dynamic:

1. Treat Your In-Laws The Way You Want to Be Treated

The time may come when your own children will get married and you will be an in-law. Ask yourself how you would want your own kids to treat you once they are married. The expectations you have might be what your in-laws expect from you. Adjust your perspective and be willing to give and take. Negotiate by trying to find areas of overlap in everybody’s wants when there is conflict. 

2. Avoid Competing with Your In-Laws

The love that your spouse has for their parents and the love they have for you is very different. If it does feel like a competitive atmosphere, address that quickly. It starts by acknowledging your feelings to your spouse and your in-laws. You have a right to want to be with your own spouse while keeping your in-laws comfortably in the picture. Remain open to compromise. See if your in-laws are willing to set aside their own alone time with your spouse.

3. Set Regular Visits

Surprise visits from your in-laws can ruin romantic nights, disrupt important conversations, or create the expectation that their needs take priority over your relationship. Instead, create a regular pattern of meeting at a scheduled time. Consider brunch on Sundays or visits on holidays. Setting time for your in-laws will show that you want them in your life, and it works best when it is in a planned, considerate manner.

4. Be on the Same Page with Your Spouse

You do not want a situation where you’re at odds with your spouse and in-laws. Marriage is about being a team.  Let your spouse know that you want the two of you to be your mutual priority. Be willing to share this desired boundary with your in-laws very gently. This will show your spouse that your commitment to them and the trust between you is paramount. The goal is to prevent fighting and promote communication. If you find communication is too difficult, support from a therapist might be helpful.

5. Let Them Spend Time with Your Children

If your in-laws are safe and respectful, try not to give your in-laws the impression that you do not want them to be a part of your children’s lives. Let your in-laws step in with the kids while connecting with your spouse. You can have your in-laws spend time with your children during date nights or have them pick them up from school once a week. Allowing them time to bond together will help build special relationships that benefit all.

6. Find Common Interests

You may not like watching soap operas, playing cards, or discussing political history. Nevertheless, you can grow to like activities like these with your in-laws if it strengthens family ties. Do something with your in-laws that they enjoy to show that you are thinking of and care about them. 

 Finally, times with your in-laws can be stressful, but things will work out for the best if everyone is willing and dedicated to harmony. Boundaries are a pathway to more goodwill, not spite and control. These strategies can give you the opportunity for a happier family. If you need help reaching this goal, read more about couples therapy and contact us soon for a consultation.

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Sylvia Beligotti, MA, LMFT, works with couples, individuals, and families at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin. If you are in need of guidance to set healthy boundaries with your loved ones, therapy can help. Contact RCC Austin by calling (512) 270-4883, or complete our Scheduling form on our website. We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Read more about family therapy here.

5 Important Ways You Can Find Connection with Your Teen

As a parent, you want to find ways to connect with your children. A natural connection grows as you accompany your child through the stages of childhood and toward adolescence. However, you may eventually reach a point where many parents struggle to connect with their child: the teenage years! 

It’s common for teenagers to distance themselves from their parents and strive for more independence. While you may enjoy watching your child mature, you may miss that connection that you shared when they were younger. 

If you’re struggling to connect with your teenager, don’t panic — there are plenty of ways you can find a meaningful, lasting connection.

1. Check-In With Your Teen Every Day

As our children get older, it’s natural to step back and allow them independence. As your teen becomes more distant, you may fall into a routine of minimal conversation. While it’s okay to give your teen some space, it’s crucial to still check-in often. Make a habit of asking your teen how they are doing every day. Ask about schoolwork, their friends, if they need anything — it may seem excessive at times, but it shows that you care. Even if your teen doesn’t have much to share each day, let them know that they can come to you when they have a need or if they want to talk. 

2. Find a Hobby That You Both Enjoy

One of the easiest ways to bond with someone is through a shared interest. Whether it be playing a sport, baking, or painting, there’s likely a hobby or activity that both you and your teen will enjoy. Make an effort to find a hobby or activity that you and your teen can participate in together. Even if it’s something you do once a month, it will help establish a shared interest and give you both something to look forward to.

3. Validate Your Teen’s Feelings

Teenage years are not always easy to get through and can be an emotional rollercoaster. Though it may not seem like it, your teen needs you to help them navigate their newfound feelings and hard-to-place emotions. 

As a parent, you may not always understand your teenager’s mood or behavior. Nevertheless, try to validate them and their emotions as much as possible. Be careful not to write off their moodiness or belittle their emotions. Though your teen may not always express that they need emotional support, they often do. By validating your teen’s feelings, you teach them that it’s okay to express emotions and be upset sometimes. Not only will your teen feel more connected to you, but their emotional intelligence will grow and improve as well. 

4. Schedule a Weekly Movie Night, Dinner, Etc.

If you don’t make an effort to spend time with your teenager, it may never happen. By setting aside special time to spend with your teen, you’ll notice a stronger bond between the two of you. The event doesn’t have to be extravagant or even happen very often. Even a weekly dinner, movie night, or game night will help establish and reinforce the connection between you and your teen. Try to find a time that is just for the two of you, with no other family members involve if possible. Family time is important; however the one-on-one time together is important, too.

5. Show Them That You Respect Their Space

Every person has a right to space and privacy. While it’s natural to want to maintain some control over your children’s lives, you must allow them some independence, as well. As your child enters their teenage years, show them that you respect their newfound independence. Allow them to have their own room, if possible. Trust them with a cell phone or to spend the weekend at a friend’s house. Sometimes the best way to bond with your child is by showing that you respect and care about them. By allowing your teenager more liberties, they’ll know that you trust them, and in return, they’ll feel more comfortable turning to you when they need help. 

Teenage years can be rough for some parents, but there are ways you can stay connected with your child. Give these strategies a try to help build and maintain a close, trusting relationship with your teen!

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Contact the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin if you and your partner are looking for support as you raise your child through their adolescent years. Our trained counselors can provide strategies for effective communication and guidance through your child’s teenage years. To schedule with a therapist, call our office at (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment online through the RCC Austin Scheduling page.

What It Looks Like to Meaningfully Advocate for Your LGBTQIA+ Child

As a parent, you want to be there to guide your child through every obstacle. However, it isn’t always easy to know how to be there for your child. If you are a parent of an LGBTQIA+ child, you may be particularly unsure about how to guide them.

Your uncertainty isn’t necessarily out of rejection, anger, or unacceptance. Many parents simply don’t know how to advocate for their LGBTQIA+ child. Fortunately, being an advocate for your child is clearer than you may think.

Understanding the Facts

The term LGBTQIA+ encompasses many different people and refers to the community as a whole. The acronym stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, intersex, and asexual. Common variants of the term include LGBT, LGBTQ, or LGBTQ+. By understanding the terminology, you can better understand and advocate for your child and their identity. You can also better understand their place within the LGBTQIA+ community.

Encourage Open Communication

If your child has come out to you, it means they trust you deeply. LGBTQIA+ people are not always met with positive reception upon coming out, so many choose to keep their identities hidden or refuse to talk about it. Don’t make your child feel like they need to hide their identity — encourage them to talk about it. The sooner your child can embrace their identity, the happier and healthier they’ll be in the long run. If they know that you, their parent, is an ally, it will be much easier for them to establish their identity and be proud of it.

Don’t Be Dismissive

One of the biggest challenges that LGBTQIA+ people face is the dismissal of their identity. Many people invalidate, dismiss, or belittle the identities of LGBTQIA+ people, sometimes saying that it’s a phase or that it’s wrong. Your child will, unfortunately, face prejudices and a lack of acceptance from many people — so don’t contribute to that. Don’t be dismissive of your child or imply that their identity is a phase.

Most important of all, don’t make your child feel like there’s something wrong with them. Their LGBTQIA+ identity is not wrong, and it’s not an illness. Make sure your child knows this by embracing their identity and supporting it. Remember, your support means everything to your child.

Be Mindful of Their School Life

Bullying is an issue for all children, but LGBTQIA+ children may be especially susceptible. Be mindful of your child’s school life. Keep in touch with your child’s teacher and communicate with them frequently. Ask your child about school often, and encourage them to be open about any issues or bullying.

It often isn’t easy for children to speak up about things that are bothering them, so you need to step in and support them. Don’t look the other way or assume that everything is fine. Even if your child isn’t being bullied, they still need your love and support as they navigate adolescence as an LGBTQIA+ individual.

Always Be Willing to Learn

As a parent, you are a source of guidance and inspiration for your child. However, you won’t always have the right answer — and that’s okay. Sometimes, you will get things wrong. You may say the wrong thing or mess up from time to time. As long as you’re willing to learn and grow from your mistakes, you’re a strong ally for your child. Your LGBTQIA+ child will learn a lot from you, but you’ll learn from them as well.

Sometimes, the key to being a strong advocate is simply listening. Listen to your child. Listen to the LGBTQIA+ community and other allies. As you and your child navigate the obstacles and you help them along into adulthood, they’ll look back knowing that you were a meaningful advocate. Don’t let fear or uncertainty keep you from supporting your child — take small steps towards becoming the best possible ally for your LGBTQIA+ child today.

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Parents and adolescents within the LBGTQIA+ community seeking support can find it at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin. If you are struggling with how to advocate for your LGBTQIA+ child, or just want to learn more, a therapist can help guide you. Reach out to schedule an appointment by calling our office at (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment online through the RCC Austin Scheduling page.

To learn more, click here: Family Counseling.

How to Effectively Balance Nurture and Structure in Your Parenting

As parents, we want to do our best to raise healthy, emotionally balanced, and resilient people. We imagine that we’ll support them well and, in time, create a solid, loving relationship that will serve as a foundation for their future successes. That’s the goal.

But what does the road from receptive child to productive adult look like? How do you know if you are on the road to raising someone spoiled and irresponsible, overprotected and passive, … or someone who will thrive and contribute capably to their communities?

A key idea for effective parenting is to strike a balance between meeting your child’s needs and providing your child guidance. In other words, parenting is a two-fold process that relies heavily on your ability to do the following:

1. Nurture your child (value, accept, and meet core needs)

2. Structure your child’s development (guide, discipline, teach values)

Let’s explore the balance of each area a bit more.

How to Effectively Balance Nurture and Structure in Your Parenting 

First, it’s important to understand why you need both nurture and structure to parent well. 

When solid, consistent nurturing is in place, your children benefit in the following ways:

• Kids generally feel good. Who they are is not a source of worry or shame.

• Feeling wanted, loved, and worthy is not an issue. They know they are sought out and cared for.

• They know they are seen and heard. Kids understand that what they think, need, and feel is important and deserves attention.

• Kids operate from a place of faith and trust in their parents. Confident that their needs are met, they are less likely to be doubtful or suspicious.

• Kindness and empathy come naturally. Receiving both, they willingly follow that example.

• They feel positive and up to life’s challenges. Kids are supported and encouraged. 

When solid, consistent structure is in place, your children benefit in the following ways:

• Kids feel safer. They are secure knowing that rules and boundaries govern home, interaction, and their own natural impulsivity. 

• Tolerance expands. When kids learn that they may not get what they want, they learn to tolerate frustration and disappointment wisely and with self-respect.

• Kids learn responsibility. Chores, requirements, and obedience reinforce the ability to accomplish tasks and meet expectations.

• Resilience grows. Children become adept at dealing with their mistakes, learning from them, and bouncing back.

• Self-centered thinking declines. Tendencies toward selfishness and self-serving behavior are tempered.

• Decision-making becomes a life skill. They become more confident in choosing wisely for themselves and others. 

• Kids incorporate your structure into their own attitudes and behaviors. They are grounded by key values and appropriate life skills.

• Independence increases. Kids feel more and more ready to tackle life on their own. 

Next, get a clear idea of what balanced nurture and structure look like. 

Balance nurture and structure considering and incorporating three parental arenas:

• Bonding. Knowing what to expect and who to rely on is key to a healthy attachment between you and your child. Trust is built on the idea that your kids know you provide loving attention and firm direction. Bond on both levels to help your child perceive life with a greater sense of stability.

• Boundaries. Kids respond better to instruction and discipline if parents are clear, firm, and kind. Healthy boundaries and healthy connections go hand in hand. 

• Behavior. More specifically, a helpful balance comes from understanding age-appropriate behavior. By parenting from a place of loving authority, you can help them know what is right and productive at their stage in life. When you are the safer, more perceptive, and forgiving one in the room, they can learn and grow fearlessly.

Then, consider the problems of leaning too heavily on either side.

If you find you lean toward either nurturing or structuring your kids exclusively, you may create an overly permissive or authoritarian environment. If the situations described below sound familiar, consider how you might work toward more balance between structure and nurture:

1. You heavily nurture and protect your children. There are few limits or little accountability on their part, leading to over-indulgence and the following emotions or behavior:

• Entitled, “spoiled,” or unruly conduct

• Persistent disobedience

• A distinct lack of gratitude or appreciation

• Self-centeredness or selfishness

• An unwillingness to learn or do what’s required for themselves or others

• Your attempts at kindness are taken advantage of or disregarded

2. You heavily structure and discipline your children. There are few growth opportunities and little bonding or understanding on your part, leading to fear and mistrust, as well as the following emotions or behavior:

• Resentment

• Feeling unloved or appreciated

• Sense of abandonment

• Unwillingness to incorporate your values internally

• Lack of sharing and vulnerability with you

• Secret rebellion

• Your attempts to influence positively are lost or lessened

Finally, know yourself and know your child. 

Above all, the connection between you and your child is paramount. Ask yourself: Is it healthy? Do I repair it intentionally and effectively? Am I correcting my child lovingly, respectfully, and firmly at the same time?

Your own childhood can impact how and why you parent the way you do. It’s worth the time and effort to explore your past, your feelings, and your relationships with your parents to get a clearer picture of your current parenting style.

Additionally, remain curious and interested in their tendencies and uniqueness as you care for them and support the growth of their inner resources and emotional self-control! 

Reach Out for Parenting Support

All told, parenting is a process of attention, engagement, and communication. It is fluid and varies over time. Don’t be afraid to take a step back, reevaluate. Seek the help or support you need. The aim is to do what is necessary to help your child grow, think, and learn about themselves and others productively. If you need further guidance striking a balance of parental involvement and direction, please read more about family therapy and reach out for an ally in meeting your child’s needs! We’re here to help.

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Contact the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin if you are struggling to find that middle ground when raising your kids. To schedule an appointment, call our main office at (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment on our online RCC Austin Scheduling page. We’re here to help.

For more on parenting, click here: Family Counseling.

How to Manage the Effect a Child with Intellectual Disabilities Has on Your Relationship & Family

As the parent of a child with intellectual disabilities, you’ve experienced ups and downs. Your child has likely taken the forefront of the concern in the family.

On the upside, their disabilities may have drawn your family closer. You may feel linked as champions and defenders for one of your own. But on the downside, the stress of it all may have caused tension and rifts with your other children. Maybe your marital relationship is strained. Or perhaps time for your own self-care is dangerously short.

Children with intellectual disabilities often require much more care and attention. They may never become fully independent, which puts a great deal of pressure on you and your family’s shoulders. Anxiety, depression, and anger are common. It’s okay to admit that your family experiences emotional struggles at times. Learning to cope, support each other well, and thrive is an ongoing process. Let’s explore how your child’s intellectual disabilities impact your family and key ways to manage these struggles.

Your Marriage or Partnership

When it comes to raising a child with disabilities, you and your partner must be on the same page. A strong partnership is key in maintaining balance within your household. If you’re constantly disagreeing, fighting, or going behind one another’s back, it will cause more tension and unease. To better understand your needs as a family, first, check-in with your partner.

Ask questions and listen intently to understand your partner’s perspective on your child, family, and your relationship. Keep in mind that your children are best served by your ability to provide a solid, stable foundation built by your teamwork and mutual respect. Figure out ways you can work to improve teamwork and respect for each other and for your entire family.

Attend to Your Other Children

When one child has a disability, it may seem like they must get the lion’s share of your care and attention. It’s easy to carry a lot of guilt and overindulge your other kids or ask them to live with less of you and carry too much responsibility. As your kids get older and mature, they have an easier time understanding why their sibling needs extra care. However, try not to dismiss or ignore your kids’ concerns and needs.

Kids can take on a great deal of stress without explicitly talking about it. This can lead to overwhelm, rebellion, and strained relationships with their parents and siblings. Communication and actively listening to them can make a huge difference. It is vital that you make time for sharing their stresses and needs. It may be wise to incorporate family counseling or time with kids who are in similar family situations. Validate kid’s concerns and provide opportunities for self -expression.

Cope with Stress as a Team

Every family will inevitably experience stress.  It’s simply a part of life. When you’re raising a child with an intellectual disability, things don’t always go smoothly.

In life, our goal should not be to avoid stress — instead, coping well is a better aim. Again, first and foremost, foster a household with open communication. Encourage all family members (your partner, your kids, and yourself) to speak up honestly and respectfully instead of keeping emotions bottled up. In the long-run, open communication can save your family from outbursts, hurt feelings, and resentment along the way.

Strengthen Your Family’s Bond

Another great way to cope with the stress of one child’s needs is to make sure your family’s bond is strong. When every member of your family is on different pages, it can lead to miscommunication. Make conscious efforts to keep your family’s bond strong.

You can do this by having nights set aside for family dinners, game nights, or movie nights. By encouraging fun activities with the whole family, you can ease stress and keep everyone on the same page. Your family needs to hang out in a casual, fun, and non-stressful way sometimes. Often a sense of humor and lots of time to decompress can bond you tightly and keep things in perspective.

Managing the Ups and Downs

As a parent of a child with an intellectual disability, you go through more stress than most parents do. Your family goes through more stress than most families do. If the stress becomes too much for your family, you may want to consider family counseling.

Couples counseling and/or family counseling will allow you, your partner, and all your children to understand your emotions and cause(s) of stress. You can take all the responsibility from your shoulders and allow a counselor to help you navigate your family’s issues. You don’t want your family to suffer, and you certainly don’t want to start blaming or scapegoating your child with a disability. Consider couples counseling and/or family counseling as an option to help your family be as cohesive, happy, and communicative as possible.

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If you need extra support as you learn to manage the effects of your child with a disability, a therapist at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin can help. For more information, click here: Family Counseling. To schedule with a counselor, give our office a call at (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment online at the RCC Austin Scheduling page.

How to Survive the Holidays and Family Gatherings

The holidays are here and we may need some strategies to help us through at times. 

Why? Because right on the heels of the warm, cozy seasonal feelings come performance anxiety, overblown expectations, and… people.

The next six weeks will likely be packed full of interacting, engaging, giving, partying, visiting, and hosting friends and family.  In fact, the holidays for many of us lead to lots of time in close quarters with some of the most complicated, opinionated, stress-inducing people you know… our own family members. 

Can you survive the season and come out on the other side with relationships still intact? Of course, you can! Don’t write off this season of giving and cheer. The holidays aren’t hopeless. You just need a survival guide to get the most out of them! 

Consider the following information your holiday handbook for survival, sanity, and gathering together with a good attitude:

Step One: Preparation is Important

Prep your body

How you feel emotionally is directly linked to how you feel physically. Don’t take on the traditions, gatherings, outings, gift exchanges, parties, mall traffic, etc. without enough sleep and maintaining a healthy diet. Stay hydrated. Maintain healthy and supportive self-talk. Choose relaxation activities (long walks, baths, hot tea, good books) as ways to manage stress. Stay in tune with yourself and reserve your right to call a “time-out” at any point when listening to a constant playlist of holiday music and fielding Amazon deliveries gets to be too much.

Prep your mind

Holiday performance anxiety is real. It’s your job to accept it and manage it. You don’t have to put on a happy face and overwhelm everyone with attempts at a  “perfect” holiday. Stop and consider what thoughts and circumstances are bothering you:

• Are you anxious about meeting your own expectations?

• Are you dealing with difficult family members? 

• Is managing your personal or family transitions affecting the holiday spirit?

What you need more than gifts and parties is to be grounded and calm. Slow your thoughts. Meet with a mentor or counselor to shore yourself up before taking on the critiques, commentary, and commotion that can threaten your inner peace. It’s okay to make mental space for peace and quiet whenever you need it. Try deep breathing, meditation, or journaling daily before you launch into the holiday hubbub. 

Prep your home

If you are hosting the holidays this year, anxiety about activities and entertainment are often tamed by lists and teamwork. Don’t wear yourself out chasing down every sale or good idea. Plot out your projects, decor and feasting needs. You’ll save money, use your time well, and feel more in control. Set a budget; plan foods, gifts, and hospitality goodies early on. You can avoid feeling put-upon, harried, and worn-out if you’re organized and well-stocked.

Of course, also do your best to execute holiday plans sensibly. A good plan is a good thing but not the only way to have fun. Do your best to be flexible and spontaneous too. 

Prep yourself to be an excellent guest

Think of yourself as hospitality support. Encourage and facilitate your loved one’s preparations enthusiastically. Make yourself available and helpful. Refrain from critiques or directions on how things “should” be done. There’s no quicker way to garner goodwill and a good time than lending a helping hand.

Step Two: The Best Present is Staying Present 

Be conscious of potential conflict

The holidays can be tricky when it comes to tradition and memories. Sometimes what we remember from past years isn’t always happy. Thus, the holidays can be painful or, at the very least, fraught with loads of unresolved emotions.

For that reason, it’s usually best to stay away from topics, conversations, and debates that drain holiday harmony. Celebrate the here and now. Make time to work on relationships you want to heal during private, one-on-one time after the holidays.

If you really feel you need to deal with certain relationships before a holiday gathering, consider the help of an individual or family therapist who could provide some guidance and support in navigating challenging relationships.

Be honest, safe, and firm

Tell yourself the truth first. Accept that your relatives are who they are. Your relationships have not been repaired overnight (that takes work, not holiday magic). So, even if gatherings are tense, rowdy, or overwhelming, remind yourself that it really isn’t your job to control the people around you.

Your responsibility is to be honest with yourself and others, choose your battles wisely, make your home safe for everyone, and hold to your established boundaries. How? Try the following:

• Be kind and welcoming. Embrace holiday cheer and openness. Allow the holiday to progress naturally. Release unrealistic expectations and simply enjoy the season as it is.

• Love and accept others with lots of grace. Offer olive branches to preserve respect and peace where you can. 

• Set firm guidelines for interacting, when necessary. Whether it’s the holidays or not, shared DNA doesn’t mean any form of abuse should be accepted.

Step Three: Ask and Answer: “What’s the Point?”

Remind yourself what the holidays mean to you

After all, there is a reason we do this every year. Take a bit of time to ask yourself, your partner, and your family, “Why?”

At the end of the six weeks or so that we dedicate to holiday excitement, celebration, and drama, how do you want to feel?

Try to tap into the meaning of the season for you and your loved ones. This can help you keep your “eyes up,” rather than focused low on the flaws of others or on your own negative thoughts. Shop, give, and gather with good intentions and a desire to be your best for each other.

Try to treat your time and loved ones with appreciation

Overall, focus on making time for generosity, gratitude, and demonstrations of goodwill. Intentionally and purposefully celebrate without expectation or obligation. Mindfully pay attention to the light and laughter where you find it, then simply allow yourself to take part.

Step Four: Schedule Time to De-stress, Process, and Digest

Even with a survival guide in your pocket, this time of year can be tough. 

Ultimately, surviving the holidays is about knowing your own limits, setting boundaries and employing healthy practices to help you balance the season and your mental health.  

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If you need help getting to the new year with your mind and relationships intact, meeting with a counselor at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin can help. A few appointments throughout the season, and afterward, is a gift worth giving yourself—even if you just need a safe space away to recharge and gain perspective. To schedule, call our office at (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment online through the RCC Austin Scheduling page.

How to Tell Your Children You Are Getting Divorced - 4 Tips

When you have children, going through a divorce can feel ten times more difficult. A divorce can have serious, lasting effects on kids if it isn’t handled the right way. 

Thankfully, you can prepare your kids for the process and assure them that everything is going to be okay. 

Talking with your children before the divorce process actually starts is the best way to prepare them for what is going to happen. 

If you’re able to do it as a couple, that’s even better. But even if you have to talk to your children on your own, making sure they know what’s going on can make it easier for them to handle. As a result, they’re less likely to experience negative emotional effects now and as they get older. 

Let’s look at four helpful tips you can use to tell your children you’re getting divorced. 

Tip #1: Don’t Blame the Other Person

Again, when you tell your children you are getting divorced, doing so as a united front is best. But, if you have to do it on your own, don’t blame the other parent for everything. 

Your children don’t need to know every detail about why you’re getting a divorce. When you start to blame the other parent, you’re putting your children in an awkward position. They might start to feel as though they have to choose sides. Or they may look at you or their other parent differently. 

That puts a lot of pressure and confusion on children. So, try to keep your language about your spouse as neutral as possible. 

Tip #2: Make Sure They Know They Aren’t the Cause

It’s not uncommon for children to think their parents’ divorce is somehow their fault. It’s crucial to make sure your children know the divorce has nothing to do with them. 

Again, you don’t need to go into detail about why you’re splitting up. Saying something like, “Your mom/dad is a great person, we just can’t live together anymore,” is a great way to remain neutral toward your spouse while giving your children just enough information to be satisfied. 

They might have more questions about why you’re getting a divorce. It’s okay to answer them. Just make sure not to cover anything that could pin them against the other parent or make them feel guilty. 

Tip #3: Don’t Go Back and Forth

A divorce is an incredibly serious matter. But some couples use it as a threat or file a divorce only to take it back later. That kind of back-and-forth decision-making can cause enormous emotional distress for children. 

So, only tell your children you’re getting a divorce if you’re absolutely sure you’re going to go through with it. If you tell them you’re splitting up and you immediately get back together again, it can cause a lot of confusion. Plus, in time, your child may develop trust issues. 

Tip #4: Be Calm and Consistent

You might be going through an emotional roller coaster right now. The process of going through a divorce is a difficult one, even if it’s the right choice. It’s okay to show some of this emotion in front of your children. It makes sense that you are going to have emotional reactions to certain situations--you are only human! However, always remember your kids are watching your actions and how you react. You can be an example of how to handle the situation. By taking the separation in stride, it will be easier for your children to do the same. 

As much as possible, try to stay calm in front of your kids, and find an outlet for your emotions—either on your own, in a support group, with trusted friends, or with a therapist. It is crucial to have someone to talk to during such a significant life transition.

Ultimately, it’s important to let your children know that things are going to remain as normal as possible. Everyone’s lives may change a little, but you will still be there for them.

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The counselors at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin are currently accepting new clients. If you’re not sure how to tell your children you are getting divorced, please don’t hesitate to contact our office to schedule a session with a trained clinician. It’s important to have someone to talk to during a such a significant transition. Give us a call at (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment online through the RCC Austin Scheduling page. We hope to hear from you.

How to Cope with Family Estrangement

Some of us enjoyed highly functional family lives. Others of us have to face hard facts about our family’s dysfunction. Stepping firmly away from key members or an entire group of family members is sometimes the best way to protect yourself from hurtful or damaging connections. In fact, for some of us, family estrangement is the best way to limit the interactions that cause pain and promote chaos in our lives.

However healthy and prudent, separating from family is difficult. We expect that our family bonds are perpetual, unbreakable relationships. There is, at least, some comfort in that. So, the decision to separate yourself from family may be fraught with periods of self-doubt, loneliness, deep sadness, and grief. In addition, you may endure some pushback, judgment, criticism, or disapproval from loved ones and outsiders who disagree with such separation.

Still, you may find that certain family relationships often deserve the dignity of distance for the sake of peace and progress.

The fact is, our families are a fundamental part of who we are as individuals. How we interact, think of ourselves in the world, and how we view our worth and potential is inextricably tied to how well (or how unwell) our families are. When abuse, neglect, disrespect and more become relationship norms, the ill-effects can be devastating. If you’ve chosen family estrangement, it is important to acknowledge that creating distance may be painful, but you can maximize the amount of healing you experience as a result. How?

The truth is family estrangement is marked by feelings of uncertainty and insecurity. Without the usual, built-in bonds and ties that kept life predictable and connected, you’ll have to find ways to cope productively.

Let’s explore 5 Ways to Cope Well with Family Estrangement:

1. First, tap into compassion for the family member you’re stepping away from.

You needn’t harbor ill-will or carry around a load of negative thoughts regarding this person. Consider that their behavior toward you indicates mental, emotional, or relationship problems or patterns that make a relationship with you unproductive or unsafe. That’s okay. They may simply be incapable. Allow and accept that your family member, or members, may not yet have the tools to maintain a loving relationship with you right now.

2. Next, release the guilt.

Be careful to listen to your self-talk and intentionally tone down your inner critic. Your decision to cut ties doesn’t signal that you don’t love or respect your family. Quite the opposite is true. Your choice to be estranged simply relieves you both of roles and beliefs about the connection that aren’t working or aren’t true anymore. 

3. If physical or emotional safety is an issue, take the necessary precautions.

Is your estrangement the result of abuse, controlling behavior, or threats?  It is important to incorporate safety measures so that you can cope well and move forward without fear of your family member, or fear of retaliation for cutting ties. In order to help this cause, limit the information you share with other family members. Consider removing or reducing social media connections and any listed contact information they might use to force unwanted interactions. Allow your decision for family estrangement to be a positive step toward self-preservation and taking control of your life and needs.

4. Set clear guidelines for those relationships you retain.

If you are not estranged from your entire family network, navigating around those with whom you’ve severed ties can be tricky and stressful. Be sure you are upfront and clear with loved ones about your desire to keep your distance from the other person. Though they may balk, be firm about your decision and let them know that you will spend time with them separately or via special arrangement.

5. Finally, deal with your pain.

Facing the anxiety, hurt, anger and pain of the relationship is crucial. Seek out tools and guidance that will help you use the estrangement as a time to recover. Family estrangement, despite the losses, provides space and time to cope through sharing and healing. Use the estrangement as a time to reflect, journal, work with a counselor, and work on yourself. Explore the ways your family has shaped your perspective. Challenge the assumptions you’ve made about yourself, your family, and your potential relationships.

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If you are facing family estrangement or dysfunction and need guidance on the healthiest way to navigate through, our counselors are here to help. To schedule an appointment, call us at (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment online through the RCC Austin Scheduling page. We look forward to hearing from you!

Reducing Family Arguments, Conflict, and Debate: 5 Tips to Keep Friction to a Minimum

By Sylvia Beligotti, MA

A family is a complicated thing.  Gathered around a holiday meal or celebrating a mutual milestone, your family may experience a host of highs and lows as you navigate a myriad of emotions and perspectives about each other’s respective lives.

Family members are usually the people who love us, support us, and encourage us. However, they can also be the people with whom we fight the most.

Why are family arguments often more stressful than other arguments? To start with, it can feel terrible to fight with the people who know us the best. Moreover, your conflicts may be rooted in long-standing, unresolved issues that can bubble to the surface during family gatherings and sudden close, daily interaction.

Even if you aren’t actually discussing those old issues, they can play a role in how you feel about each other. Most of us don’t want to feel resentful or angry with those closest to us. Therefore, it is beneficial to learn how to keep friction to a minimum. Here are five helpful tips for the holidays and beyond:

1. Simply Don’t Engage

It takes two people to argue. If you refuse to participate in the argument, it can’t go anywhere. By not responding or reacting, you diffuse the situation.

Of course, this is much easier said than done. Your family members know exactly how to get under your skin. If they are used to arguing with you in a certain way, then they will be uncomfortable when you don’t engage. Therefore, they may try even harder to pull you into the argument.

If at all possible, disengage. Options include:

• Taking slow, deep breaths until you can respond calmly

• Counting backward from ten (or one hundred!)

• Doing a body scan to notice tension and release it

• Telling your family member that you need time to think about what they’ve said

• Respectfully stating that you don’t want to have a disagreement, and calmly walking away

2. Ask Questions

Arguments happen because both people believe they are right. You are each locked into your own positions. Moreover, you are trying to change the other person’s mind. Instead, try becoming curious about the other person’s position. You don’t have to agree with them, but you can work to understand them without trying to change their opinion. As you soften your position by getting to know theirs, they may do the same for you.

3. Use “I” Statements

Speak from a place of your own truth. State what you think, feel, and believe. However, make it clear that you know that this is just your experience. Express an interest in sharing your experience without blaming, shaming, or arguing. Use the following framework:

• I feel (blank)

• When (blank happens)

• This makes me want to (blank)

• I’d like to do (blank) instead

For example, “I feel anxious when people start raising their voices. This makes me want to run away. I’d like to be able to have a quiet conversation instead.” This is more effective than, “You are so mean, and if you yell at me again, I’m leaving.”

4. Use “Yes, and” Statements

Another effective way to reduce family arguments is to agree with everyone. Acknowledge that they have a valid point of view. Use, “yes, and” statements to convey that you are on their side. At the same time, these statements allow you to speak your truth.

For example, let’s say that your brother-in-law calls you selfish. You can argue until your blue in the face about how unselfish you are. However, he will probably not agree. Instead, try saying, “yes, sometimes I can be a little bit selfish, and I do that because I am scared that if I don’t stand up for myself, then no one else will.”

5. Open Up Communication Slowly and Steadily

The midst of an argument is not the time to resolve big family issues. It takes time and hard work to solve family arguments. Therefore, start slowly. Begin by just opening up to your family members in small ways. Share more of yourself. Over time, it will become easier for everyone to calmly share their truths.

There are many underlying issues that lead to family arguments. Therapy can help you identify the issues, work toward resolution and understanding, and learn how to make family gatherings the joy you know they can be.

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Contact Sylvia Beligotti, MA, LMFT Associate, at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin at 512-270-4883, extension 128, to schedule an appointment. You can also complete the scheduling form on the RCC Austin Scheduling page and request an appointment with Sylvia. Our scheduling coordinator will be in touch with you as soon as possible to assist you with scheduling.

3 Key Reasons Healthy Communication Builds Stronger Families

Communication is key.

We’ve all heard this phrase more than a few times regarding relationships with our significant others, but it’s important to remember that communication can help strengthen our families as well.

We don’t always give communication the credit it deserves, but it only makes sense that communicating the right way can lessen conflict and strengthen bonds in any relationship, including your relationship with your spouse, your parents, and even your kids.

If you’re still wondering why healthy communication is so crucial for a strong, stable family, here are three powerful reasons.

1. Promotes Calm Conversations

If someone in your family has difficulty expressing themselves, it can lead to a lot of turmoil. Emotions run high quickly, and when not properly expressed, can cause a lot of frustration, arguments, and tension within your family. This is especially problematic when it comes to kids because it can cause them to act out in several negative ways.

Healthy communication involves listening – really listening.

When someone (especially a child) knows you’re actively listening to them, they’re more likely to calm down. That makes it easier for them to express themselves in a relaxed and more detailed manner.

If something is bothering them, it will be much easier for you to get to the root of the issue when they feel calm and comfortable with your keen listening habits.

Starting this practice when your kids are very young can help them develop healthy communication habits of their own as they grow. Not only does that allow you to get to the source of stressful issues faster, but it promotes calm communication in the future. If someone in your family knows you’ve taken the time to listen to them and appreciate what they have to say, they’ll likely do the same for you when you have something important to share.

2. Builds Trust

When you communicate effectively with your family, you’re actively working on building trust.

It’s so easy for trust to be broken, especially when it comes to children. Making an effort to practice healthy communication habits will encourage your kids to trust you. As a result, they’ll be more likely to come to you when something is on their mind.

As your children age, the practices you taught them when they were young can make a huge difference in how they handle things and the choices they make in their lives going forward.

Don’t just save your strong communication skills for your kids though, because communicating also builds trust in your relationship with your partner!

You and your partner should be on the same page when it comes to each other’s communication styles. You should also agree on how you communicate with your kids to appear as cohesive parenting team.When you both understand how important healthy communication really is, you can put more effort into strengthening your family unit.

3. You Become a Role Model

When you do encourage healthy communication within your family, you’re setting an example for everyone else. Of course this includes your kids, but it also encourages your partner and even members of your extended family to do the same.

Talking to your family about how to practice healthier communication habits is a great place to start, but you’ll get more out of it by also practicing these habits yourself.

In fact, you might be surprised at just how quickly your actions and the way you interact with your family start to rub off on others.

It’s not always easy to effectively communicate. It takes effort and practice to make it a habit. But, if you’re willing to put in the work and encourage your family to do the same, you’ll find that your family will stay stronger than ever.

That can make a huge difference in times of chaos and stress. 

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For more help implementing effective communication techniques in your own home, reach out to the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin. Contact our office at (512) 270-4883 to schedule an appointment with a trained therapist. To request an appointment online, complete the form on the RCC Austin Scheduling page.