Regulating emotions effectively is an ongoing journey. It begins early in childhood when parents and caregivers help to soothe a toddler’s crying over ice cream on the sidewalk or fighting over whose turn it is to go first.
The external events that challenge healthy emotional regulation will change with time, of course. But the underlying reasons for healthy emotional regulation don’t change, and emotional regulation remains important across all stages of life.
The emotional lessons we learn in childhood are essential for helping us achieve healthy, positive attitudes as adults. Learning to comfort ourselves after a loss or setback is vital. Also, learning to get along with others despite disagreements is a necessary social skill. Learning to press on in the face of challenges is a crucial part of resiliency.
What does regulating your emotions mean?
Telling yourself or others to calm down, smile or lighten up may seem like regulating emotions. That’s part of it, but it is much more than that. Numerous events outside of our control can negatively affect our moods and reactions. How we respond to such events determines how we will feel and impacts our interactions with others.
For example, if a server gets my order wrong, my reaction can directly affect the resolution I get. If I lose my temper and yell at them, I will have upset and embarrassed both of us in front of a room of strangers. The server may feel frazzled for the rest of the shift, and my dinner companions will feel awkward. However, if I ask politely and kindly for a replacement, I save both of us and others mounds of stress and embarrassment. The problem will be resolved more smoothly and positively.
Learning to respond in a calm and thoughtful manner to disappointments is one example of regulating your emotions. There are countless more, of course. And remember, regulating your emotions doesn’t mean denying sadness, grief, or pain; it simply means that once you acknowledge and understand your feelings, you can mindfully choose how to respond in a way that is mutually respectful.
How do you learn to regulate your emotions?
Our ability to regulate our emotions in a healthy way depends on many factors. It can partly depend on what kind of examples our early caregivers gave us. If they treated us and others calmly and kindly, hopefully, we automatically absorbed some of that. But, if they had short tempers and screamed over the smallest mistakes, we may have developed the same tendency.
Our personalities and quirks also affect how we regulate our emotions. Some people are naturally calmer and more thoughtful in the face of stress or anger. Those who struggle with ADHD, depression, anxiety, or similar disorders may have a harder time regulating responses.
If you have a hard time regulating your emotions, there are steps you can take to improve those skills. To regulate emotions you have to first notice or be aware of what you are feeling. Allowing yourself to experience your emotions in the moment without judging them is more challenging and may take some practice. Noticing and allowing emotions paves the way for you to then make a choice of how to respond in a way that is consistent with your value system. Learning how to regulate emotions takes practice and support. Developing a meditation practice or obtaining the help of a professional are a few ways to learn how to slow down, become mindful and to start regulating emotions.
How can regulating your emotions help you achieve a positive outcome?
As described above, how we handle our emotions often has a direct impact on the outcome of a situation. When we’re able to recognize and manage our emotions, we set ourselves up for greater success and positive results.
In yourself, this could look like using positive self-talk when you’re discouraged. Rather than letting a disappointment ruin your outlook, you find ways to put it into perspective. You consider ways to help yourself cope.
When it comes to your relationships with others, regulating your emotions has big dividends. When you respond constructively to a spouse, child, or co-worker who disagrees with you, you’re paving the way for ongoing communication.
If you can resist verbally ripping into someone who makes a mistake, you’re showing them and others that you have integrity and can be trusted. When you take the time to calmly listen to someone rather than force your opinion on them, you make room for deeper understanding.
Kassie Soni, MA, LPC Associate, at the Relationship Counseling Center of Austin works with couples and individuals. If you or a loved one is struggling with regulating your emotions or feel out of control, please know that help is available. It is possible to find healing and peace. To schedule an appointment, give us a call at (512) 270-4883, or request an appointment online through the RCC Austin Scheduling page.